The good, the bad and the weightloss!

Fill day is tomorrow.....wonder what the doctor will do. I have noticed that I can't eat as much as I used to and now I often skip breakfast as I can't stomach anything. So that's good. Bad thing is that I still haven't lost heaps of weight. Will be interesting to see how much when I jump on the scales tomorrow. I will update the blog after the appointment.

I had to face a small part of my fears on Saturday, my clothes shopping phobia. I went on a shopping tour where alot of the clothes were priced for a quick sale. It was definately an interesting experience. I was especially excited at the prospect of buying myself a JAG skirt and Colorado jumper. Clothes that I would have only dreamed about 4 mths ago! What I found to be most interesting though is that even though we stopped off at what felt like a million places and shopped for 10 or 11 hrs, at the end of the day the only thing I felt was mentally drained. Not physically, I suppose that's the bonus of being 15 kgs lighter.

Sunday was a day at the Geelong Adventure Park. A place that would have been extremely daunting if I was still larger but somewhat a little less now. Still not self confident enough for me to feel comfortable in anything less that a t shirt and shorts along with my bathers. Mind you the t shirt was that big that I had to tie it into a knot. Still I was able to jump right under the water with the kids without a second thought, a giant step towards inner peace.

I am finding it ironic about who I tell and who I won't tell about having the surgery. I recently participated in a university program that only ran for a few days. The person that I paired up with is probably someone that I may never come across again, yet within a couple hours I had told her about the band. Ofcourse I was given a positive response, I have yet to receive a negative one. However, the reason I find this odd is because there are people in my life that I believe are closer yet I won't tell them. I haven't quite figured out why yet. Maybe I think that they might not be as supportive? Maybe I don't want them feeling sympathy or empathy for me? Or maybe I just don't want to be embarrassed that this was the extreme measure that I had to take to get me back to where I feel normal? I wonder if there will be a time that I won't hesitate? Then I have another question, how do I react to those people that treat me differently because I have lost the weight?

So until next time...

Inner peace comes in all sorts of clothes

Good friends = Good support

Good friends = good support. I am very lucky to have a great bunch of people around me. My best friend has known me for 25 yrs, she almost knows me better than myself. She has been a daily supporter and I wouldn't be able to get through alot of the stuff I deal with if it wasn't for her. Every kilo I drop she does a victory dance for me. Thank you Ms T! When I was deciding who to tell about having the surgery, I was very cautious. You don't need people using it against you and I didn't want to be taunted. I think that I chose well and the people I have told have all been really good about it. Telling some workmates about it was kind of a necessity but has worked out to have been a great choice too. It would be hard to explain the feeling of sickness from eating if they didn't know what was going on. What I look forward to though is seeing the reaction from those that haven't seen me in a while.

There is a stigma related to being fat that I want to address. Portion size vs body size. When I go out and ask for a smaller portion of a meal, I find that they look at me oddly. Things like 'would you like to upsize this meal to a large', I end up laughing because there is no possible way I could eat that much. Do they automatically think that all large people eat large portions? Ok so I used to otherwise I wouldn't have gotten to the size I did, but what about the people that dieting? I recently went to a restaurant and asked for a main to come out in an entree size. They told me that that request was not available. Uh why not? Restaurants have the tendency to fill the massive plates that they put the food on and theres always alot of waste afterwards. I want smaller portions available!

I am coming aware of an issue I'm having lately. A clothes phobia. Odd huh! I hate the idea of shopping for clothes. Most of my clothes don't fit, so clearly shopping will become a priority soon yet the whole concept is scary. I can't even explain what it is that worries me. This will be something I will update later on.

This may sound a little weird but I feel a certain empowerment from losing weight. I feel stronger as a person and definately happier. The happiness reflects to those around me as well. My state of mind is great, its like I have dug myself out of a hole and I am gaining momentum everyday. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Update on the weight loss: Now its 15kgs lost and 125cms! Bye Bye!

So until next time.....

Empower your mind through smaller portions

Food or foe?

What a crazy few days I've had with food!We had people over for a birthday party on Saturday night, I tried a piece of donut (and I seriously mean a mouthful size piece) and it nearly killed me! Who would have thought such a little piece of food could hurt so much. I did actually try and make myself vomit (sorry for the visual) but the bugger was still there. It just took time. Clearly attempting the BBQ was not going to be a good idea, so I opted for the chicken wings and salad. They warned me that chicken would not be on my future menu, but luckily so far, so good. Donuts out, chicken still in.
Sunday came and I could have eaten a horse, well over several meals, without being full. I ate my breakfast and was hungry within a couple hours. Same with lunch and then with tea, totally odd. Even after work I was hungry again. Then this morning I had a coffee and it went down as if it was solid. I felt it move all the way down. It's a really strange feeling when your eating food and it reaches your band then finally passes through it and drops into your stomach. I'm guessing that my band has settled a little, the usual after an adjustment. My next adjustment is scheduled for a week away and although I'm already at 5.3, I think that I could go at least another .3ml. I will have to find out if its natural to be able to eat more at the end of the day compared with the morning, as I'm finding this a common occurrence lately.

Its been a bad day for exercise today. Way too lethargic to do much. I suppose you could say it was a lazy day. I would assume that everyone is allowed one of them once in a while but it made me feel guilty. I read in the lapband book that any moment sitting down is a wasted exercise moment. Ok I get where they are going with that but that's not really a realistic goal is it? You can't eat breakfast while walking around the block and I'm not jogging the kids to daycare. I'm not even going to talk about going to the bathroom or bathing, but I think you get my picture. I understand the objective but surely your allowed some downtime? Ssshh don't tell my doctor though!

Just a quick note to those that are following this blog, hi! You are more than welcome to pass the link onto anyone that may be interested in following it. I can't assure you that it won't be boring but if you have liked it so far then I think that it can only get better. I would also like you to feel free to comment, I would love the feedback.

So until next time....

Keep donuts to a big O

What if.....??

Aww man, I did what I never thought I would do. I think I offended someone, I didn't think that was the problem. I was sorting through my old clothes and instead of saying old clothes, my big clothes etc I said the dreaded word FAT! The worst part is that I didn't even realise that I had said it until it was bought to my attention from another friend. Tough situation to be in. How do I learn to love my new look without offending my old friends? I don't want to hurt anyone and as I said, what they do or don't do is their decision. I will support whatever decision they make. But when do I get to be happy for me? I have some major learning curves that I can't get my head around still but does it hinder it if I can't be happy that I'm getting rid of MY fat clothes? What feels fat for me is different to everyone. I still don't feel thin, I still feel very overweight. Well I still have 20 kgs to lose to get to my ideal weight, not the 'medical version' of my height vs weight and 20kgs is alot. According to the BMI calculation, I would still be overweight, but I will wear that!
Speaking of clothes, what a pain in the ass it is to not have alot of the clothes you own fit you. I was struggling going through my clothes because I kept thinking that I may need them one day. My sister kindly pointed out that I will not need them again so why would I want to keep hold of them. Well, what if? What if....the band doesn't work? (Ok so we know its working) What if.....I fall pregnant? ( I can finally buy those cute pregnancy clothes) What if....I can't find clothes that fit me? (Um, I will be able to find more clothes now that will fit me at shops than before). See, clearly I know the answers, so what am I holding onto? As I'm writing this I have come to the realisation that I am holding onto my security. I am going into the unknown. I have been overweight for so many years, my weight was my security blanket. How will I handle not having it there to hide behind? Im not good with compliments or any kind of extra attention. I tend to change the subject or say something like 'um, yeah, thanks', so graceful. Woohoo, another learning curve for me to get my head around, bonus!

So until next time...

Learn what is holding you back from success

Haunting pasts, promising futures.

Today's blog revisits the whole self image issues that I'm having. I recently had a look at old photos and WOW! What was I thinking? I even managed to dumbfound my bestfriend by the image. I mean she has known me for 25 years, surely she remembers what I used to look like? So if even my bestfriend couldn't imagine me ever being that size and I knew that I was big but not that big, does that mean I lived in a fog? Is that what happens when you get larger over the years? I remember not wanting photos taken and if you look at the ones with my kids, I'm not in most of them. So many missed photos. The worst are the photos that I have from the moments I can't replace. The ones from America for school,  the wedding day photos, the one of family photos....I can however change the future. The future holds great promise for nicer photos. I'm going to add a new goal for the future, more photos with my family and friends. The goals list is now as follows:

* Learn how to surf
* Drive a race car
* Do a fun run
* Learn how to ski
* Go swimming more often
* More photos with family and friends

I had my appointment yesterday for my latest fill. I am currently now sitting at 5.3ml after the doctor added .3 yesterday. The average is 5.4ml and the max he has ever seen is 7.2ml. I'm thinking that I might be just about at limit anyway, definately eating smaller portions of food so restriction is good. No vomiting which is even better. I spoke to him about the 'know it all' nurse at the hospital and guess what, surprise surprise she was wrong. The band is not going to eat through my stomach and my port is located in the correct position. Have been going better with getting some exercise in everyday which is great. I have lost 1kg in the last 2 weeks, so 500g a week, which is what they want. Lets see what I can get off me over the next 2 weeks.What I'm actually finding the hardest is the love of food versus the amount of food. I love food, I love good food, when you get a meal that tastes sooo nice that you just want to devour it but can only eat a small portion, it seems like a waste. I know that the small portions is the objective of having the lapband done in the first place but its a cruel joke to my stomach. I suppose on the upside, my bank balance will like the small portions. It makes up for the cost of the fill though, $150 a pop and I'm having one every fortnight.

Until next time....

Remember: Todays present is tomorrows past, live for the future!

Food babies and baby bumps

I have developed a sympathy for the celebrities. Well not a complete sympathy. I don't sympathise that they have millions of dollars, get to wear all the latest fashion and can afford personal trainers, chefs etc. What I sympathise with is food babies! Yep food babies. They are all so thin that every time they eat something, their stomach bloats and then the paparazzi decide that they are pregnant.  I mean seriously, how many times has someone like Jennifer Aniston been pregnant? Ooohh maybe she ate lunch that day...theres a scoop for you!

The same happens with lapband. Every time I eat I get the food baby and I affectionately call it that also. When the band is placed around your stomach they allow a small portion to stay above the band, this allows for food to be stored there after a meal until it filters through the hole into the rest of your stomach. It is very noticeable to me and those close but I'm guessing to others, I might have a baby bump. Speaking of babies, if/when I decide to have another one, I still can, even with the lapband. They take the fluid out of your band so that you can provide the nutrients to your baby and put it back in after you have had the baby. Bonus for me is that I will lose the weight quickly afterwards.

Well until next time....

Be proud of your bump, whatever kind you have!

Overweight the new Obese??

What a shocker! Just decided to work out whether or not I'm still considered obese or have I been downgraded to the overweight tag! My BMI has gone from 42 (at my heaviest) to 34 now. Guess what, I'm still obese! My overweight BMI is 26-30....another goal to work towards. Who decided that a little extra flesh= overweight? My intention is to stay feminine and not become a toothpick! Ok, so toothpick is a little too farfetched. According to a physio when I was 16, I have childbearing hips (great information to hear), do toothpicks have big hips these days??


Now I want to clarify something before I end up with no friends or family. I am not saying that there is anything wrong with being overweight or obese. I am just saying that for me, I had a problem with it. I would never think any less of anyone that decided that they didn't have a problem with it. Your choice. I did not feel comfortable. Another point to note is that although I took the option of lapband this may not be the correct decision for everyone. If you can do it naturally, well great thats fantastic! If you need to have gastric bypass done, excellent well done on that choice. I am glad that I made my choice. My parents did everything to try and talk me out of taking this step. They have been on a crusade to lose weight and have done so in leaps and bounds. Good for them, I'm proud. I just didnt want to wait until I was 50 and think that it was time to do something.


Trying to pinpoint the exact moment that weight became an issue would be hard. I have constantly felt that I was the largest person in the room. Even when I look back at some photos today, I can't understand why I felt that way. What I wouldn't give to have back the body I had 15 years ago. Being that I'm 30, if your any good at maths, you will figure out that that means I have not been happy with my body for half my life! Stuff waiting until I'm 50! So if 50 is supposed to be the new 40, that makes 30 the new 20! Yay!


Ok so gotta run........alright well walk (with my childbearing hips that is)


Until then.....


*New invention - toothpicks with big hips for those wanting to be stick thin

New outlook on life

3 months on and I want to start sharing my journey with anyone that may be interested.  It has been 12 weeks today that I entered the operating theatre in a hope of creating a new future for me. Not a fat future. Lapband, I felt, would give me the future that I always thought of having. My dream of surfing, swimming when I wanted, racing a speedway car or even just running without too many things wobbling. Ofcourse, you always dream of being able to walk into a shop, pick up any piece of clothing and know that it will fit and look ok. These dreams are restricted to those that have always dealt with weight issues and not the naturally thin lucky ones. I often wonder how or even why I let myself get into this situation in the first place. Why didn't anyone explain to me that once your overweight its way too hard to lose it and then you get the added bonus of dealing with the excess skin, not a good look. Kind of odd that you lose weight and yet you get more wobbly bits!

So when did I realise that I needed help? When I had the horribly embarrassing situation where the local hospital wouldn't allow me to give birth to my 2nd daughter because my BMI was over 40. Yes, I did eventually win but I only got through after a lengthy process where my doctor and the hospital anaethetist had a meeting regarding it. Now this was nearly 3 years ago. It still took a friend to undergo the same procedure for me to realise that this may be my last option.

Today, I am glad I took that option but it is NOT the easy option. I haven't had 'complications' as they say but its a massive learning curve that I still haven't come to grips with. I get pain everytime I eat. I have to consciously remember to take smaller mouthful's, which I don't always do. My eyes are still bigger than my belly, it astounds me how little I can actually eat these days. Oh and no drinking while eating.

So I have some major mental learning curve's to get my head around. One thing is realising that yes I have lost 13kgs and over a metre off my body, but I still see myself the same as pre op. I have no idea why but hopefully that will change with time.

I had an interesting weekend, where courtesy of my daughters daycare I ended up with the gastro she bought home from there. First thing the doctors tell you about having lapband is that vomiting is BAD! Very bad! I vomited 4 times before dragging myself into the emergency department. Another time before being seen by the triage nurse. The nurse seemed to think that she knew everything about lapband surgery. Thought that she would be able to get fluid out of my port. Pushed and prodded, jabbed me with needles, to no avail. Kindly informed me that my band would eat through my stomach, hmm great another thought to add to my spinning head. Needless to say, another visit to the bathroom and my tally was now at 6! While waiting for the doctor the tally jumped up to 8! Surely now my band has moved or is floating in my stomach. The lengthy process of them trying to find a vein to give me fluids, being that I was badly dehydrated, saw me have more needle holes than a pincushion! Ok so clearly, I am writing today so I survived. As far as I'm aware, my band is still working properly. Still eating only small amounts with little pain (except when I forget small mouthfuls).

So until next time.....

Eat small, think BIG!