So sorry for the extremely long delay since my last entry! My computer crashed and was sent to the doctors for repairs. But I'm back. It's going to be a little hard to play catch up since my last entry but I will try.
Life....well life happens. Since my last entry I have moved house, minus a husband. Tough decision but it was my decision and I'm glad that I made it. Things will start to change a little around here as I try to juggle children, work, uni and life. I hope to incorporate more fitness with the children and therefore increase my fitness in the process.
Lap band hasn't changed. It's as if its the only stable part in my body some days. I haven't had a fill or any kind of adjustment since my last one and I think that I'm still at a good level right now. I still can't eat much during the day, actually some days I have issues remembering to eat. I know that its not healthy but with everything that has been going on and no hunger pains to remind me, its hard. I never thought that I would get to the day where I would have to mentally work out when I last ate compared to counting down the minutes until I ate again.
Lap band has changed my life in soooo many ways. I am now down to a size 14!! 14 can you believe it! Some are even getting loose. I gave away my clothes that were sizes 22-24 with the final realisation that I will not need them again. I have had enough confidence to take the step out the door that I had needed to do for sometime but stayed thinking that no one else would want me. I still haven't been able to process the extra glances that I sometimes receive, that is still a work in progress.
A funny story....I recently attended a birthday party with people that I have known for many years. A family member that I have not seen in about a year had to ask who I was because my face looked familiar but he couldn't pinpoint from where. That made my night.
**Update on weight loss - I am down 29kgs!! I have not been this light since I was born I think. At least probably 16 years ago. The last time I did my measurements, about a month ago, I had lost 154.5 cms off my body. Gone for good, forever!! That's nearly my height!
Until then....
Life goes on
Monday, March 21, 2011
Friday, December 17, 2010
Twists, turns and Christmas!
Its been a little while since I wrote in here, so I thought that I had better give whoever is interested, an update. I have now had my current fill for the last 2.5 wks, the doctor put in another .3ml, taking me to a grand total of 5.6ml. (The average being 5.4ml), and WOW what a couple weeks its been. To be short, its been horrible. I haven't been able to eat breakfast, without pain, so that gets bypassed. Lunch lately has been the same (zilch) and its not until around 4pm that I start getting hungry. Just the other day I realised at 3.30pm that I had not eaten all day, yay my focus is not on my next meal anymore, but not so good for the kids that their mum forgot about their lunch (oops!). I would also like to make a complaint to whoever will listen. Clearly I can't eat much...but I'm struggling finding food to eat while we are out. My two year old is eating more than me! I caved in this morning and organised an appointment to have some fluid taken out. It worries me that so little food is getting past my lips these days and I don't want to end up malnourished. I need energy to run after the kids.
Speaking of running, I have made a pact with my friend, that 2011 will be the year that we participate in fun runs. Quite a funny concept actually, as only a few short months ago I would never have put fun and run in the same sentence (well a positive sentence anyway!). Maybe start off with a few smaller ones, then take it from there.
To update other issues that I have previously touched on. I still haven't realised that I have lost weight, yes its still odd but honestly I see myself the same way. I had photos recently with my daughter and I looked horrible. Like I hadn't just lost 20kgs or 139cms, I saw it and was disgusted. Can someone please tell me when I will start absorbing the concept into my system?
While I'm being dedicated enough to write on here again, I want to give a massive shout out to Weight Watchers for their brains behind the mini meals. About frickin time!! They are a great size for me and aren't expensive...yay! I wonder if they can influence the restaurants, or any food establishment for that matter, into offering smaller meals. I ordered an entree size pasta recently while out for dinner, I shared my entree with my daughter and yet there was still half a bowl left.....I ordered an ENTREE', hello!!
Anyway, off to bed for me. I have another day of fighting my band to allow food past it, just so I can actually function. I will write again before Christmas if time permits, if not I hope you all have a fantastic Christmas!!
Until next time....
Be Merry....drinking or eating....whatever works!
Speaking of running, I have made a pact with my friend, that 2011 will be the year that we participate in fun runs. Quite a funny concept actually, as only a few short months ago I would never have put fun and run in the same sentence (well a positive sentence anyway!). Maybe start off with a few smaller ones, then take it from there.
To update other issues that I have previously touched on. I still haven't realised that I have lost weight, yes its still odd but honestly I see myself the same way. I had photos recently with my daughter and I looked horrible. Like I hadn't just lost 20kgs or 139cms, I saw it and was disgusted. Can someone please tell me when I will start absorbing the concept into my system?
While I'm being dedicated enough to write on here again, I want to give a massive shout out to Weight Watchers for their brains behind the mini meals. About frickin time!! They are a great size for me and aren't expensive...yay! I wonder if they can influence the restaurants, or any food establishment for that matter, into offering smaller meals. I ordered an entree size pasta recently while out for dinner, I shared my entree with my daughter and yet there was still half a bowl left.....I ordered an ENTREE', hello!!
Anyway, off to bed for me. I have another day of fighting my band to allow food past it, just so I can actually function. I will write again before Christmas if time permits, if not I hope you all have a fantastic Christmas!!
Until next time....
Be Merry....drinking or eating....whatever works!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
The good, the bad and the weightloss!
Fill day is tomorrow.....wonder what the doctor will do. I have noticed that I can't eat as much as I used to and now I often skip breakfast as I can't stomach anything. So that's good. Bad thing is that I still haven't lost heaps of weight. Will be interesting to see how much when I jump on the scales tomorrow. I will update the blog after the appointment.
I had to face a small part of my fears on Saturday, my clothes shopping phobia. I went on a shopping tour where alot of the clothes were priced for a quick sale. It was definately an interesting experience. I was especially excited at the prospect of buying myself a JAG skirt and Colorado jumper. Clothes that I would have only dreamed about 4 mths ago! What I found to be most interesting though is that even though we stopped off at what felt like a million places and shopped for 10 or 11 hrs, at the end of the day the only thing I felt was mentally drained. Not physically, I suppose that's the bonus of being 15 kgs lighter.
Sunday was a day at the Geelong Adventure Park. A place that would have been extremely daunting if I was still larger but somewhat a little less now. Still not self confident enough for me to feel comfortable in anything less that a t shirt and shorts along with my bathers. Mind you the t shirt was that big that I had to tie it into a knot. Still I was able to jump right under the water with the kids without a second thought, a giant step towards inner peace.
I am finding it ironic about who I tell and who I won't tell about having the surgery. I recently participated in a university program that only ran for a few days. The person that I paired up with is probably someone that I may never come across again, yet within a couple hours I had told her about the band. Ofcourse I was given a positive response, I have yet to receive a negative one. However, the reason I find this odd is because there are people in my life that I believe are closer yet I won't tell them. I haven't quite figured out why yet. Maybe I think that they might not be as supportive? Maybe I don't want them feeling sympathy or empathy for me? Or maybe I just don't want to be embarrassed that this was the extreme measure that I had to take to get me back to where I feel normal? I wonder if there will be a time that I won't hesitate? Then I have another question, how do I react to those people that treat me differently because I have lost the weight?
So until next time...
Inner peace comes in all sorts of clothes
I had to face a small part of my fears on Saturday, my clothes shopping phobia. I went on a shopping tour where alot of the clothes were priced for a quick sale. It was definately an interesting experience. I was especially excited at the prospect of buying myself a JAG skirt and Colorado jumper. Clothes that I would have only dreamed about 4 mths ago! What I found to be most interesting though is that even though we stopped off at what felt like a million places and shopped for 10 or 11 hrs, at the end of the day the only thing I felt was mentally drained. Not physically, I suppose that's the bonus of being 15 kgs lighter.
Sunday was a day at the Geelong Adventure Park. A place that would have been extremely daunting if I was still larger but somewhat a little less now. Still not self confident enough for me to feel comfortable in anything less that a t shirt and shorts along with my bathers. Mind you the t shirt was that big that I had to tie it into a knot. Still I was able to jump right under the water with the kids without a second thought, a giant step towards inner peace.
I am finding it ironic about who I tell and who I won't tell about having the surgery. I recently participated in a university program that only ran for a few days. The person that I paired up with is probably someone that I may never come across again, yet within a couple hours I had told her about the band. Ofcourse I was given a positive response, I have yet to receive a negative one. However, the reason I find this odd is because there are people in my life that I believe are closer yet I won't tell them. I haven't quite figured out why yet. Maybe I think that they might not be as supportive? Maybe I don't want them feeling sympathy or empathy for me? Or maybe I just don't want to be embarrassed that this was the extreme measure that I had to take to get me back to where I feel normal? I wonder if there will be a time that I won't hesitate? Then I have another question, how do I react to those people that treat me differently because I have lost the weight?
So until next time...
Inner peace comes in all sorts of clothes
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Good friends = Good support
Good friends = good support. I am very lucky to have a great bunch of people around me. My best friend has known me for 25 yrs, she almost knows me better than myself. She has been a daily supporter and I wouldn't be able to get through alot of the stuff I deal with if it wasn't for her. Every kilo I drop she does a victory dance for me. Thank you Ms T! When I was deciding who to tell about having the surgery, I was very cautious. You don't need people using it against you and I didn't want to be taunted. I think that I chose well and the people I have told have all been really good about it. Telling some workmates about it was kind of a necessity but has worked out to have been a great choice too. It would be hard to explain the feeling of sickness from eating if they didn't know what was going on. What I look forward to though is seeing the reaction from those that haven't seen me in a while.
There is a stigma related to being fat that I want to address. Portion size vs body size. When I go out and ask for a smaller portion of a meal, I find that they look at me oddly. Things like 'would you like to upsize this meal to a large', I end up laughing because there is no possible way I could eat that much. Do they automatically think that all large people eat large portions? Ok so I used to otherwise I wouldn't have gotten to the size I did, but what about the people that dieting? I recently went to a restaurant and asked for a main to come out in an entree size. They told me that that request was not available. Uh why not? Restaurants have the tendency to fill the massive plates that they put the food on and theres always alot of waste afterwards. I want smaller portions available!
I am coming aware of an issue I'm having lately. A clothes phobia. Odd huh! I hate the idea of shopping for clothes. Most of my clothes don't fit, so clearly shopping will become a priority soon yet the whole concept is scary. I can't even explain what it is that worries me. This will be something I will update later on.
This may sound a little weird but I feel a certain empowerment from losing weight. I feel stronger as a person and definately happier. The happiness reflects to those around me as well. My state of mind is great, its like I have dug myself out of a hole and I am gaining momentum everyday. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Update on the weight loss: Now its 15kgs lost and 125cms! Bye Bye!
So until next time.....
Empower your mind through smaller portions
There is a stigma related to being fat that I want to address. Portion size vs body size. When I go out and ask for a smaller portion of a meal, I find that they look at me oddly. Things like 'would you like to upsize this meal to a large', I end up laughing because there is no possible way I could eat that much. Do they automatically think that all large people eat large portions? Ok so I used to otherwise I wouldn't have gotten to the size I did, but what about the people that dieting? I recently went to a restaurant and asked for a main to come out in an entree size. They told me that that request was not available. Uh why not? Restaurants have the tendency to fill the massive plates that they put the food on and theres always alot of waste afterwards. I want smaller portions available!
I am coming aware of an issue I'm having lately. A clothes phobia. Odd huh! I hate the idea of shopping for clothes. Most of my clothes don't fit, so clearly shopping will become a priority soon yet the whole concept is scary. I can't even explain what it is that worries me. This will be something I will update later on.
This may sound a little weird but I feel a certain empowerment from losing weight. I feel stronger as a person and definately happier. The happiness reflects to those around me as well. My state of mind is great, its like I have dug myself out of a hole and I am gaining momentum everyday. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Update on the weight loss: Now its 15kgs lost and 125cms! Bye Bye!
So until next time.....
Empower your mind through smaller portions
Monday, November 15, 2010
Food or foe?
What a crazy few days I've had with food!We had people over for a birthday party on Saturday night, I tried a piece of donut (and I seriously mean a mouthful size piece) and it nearly killed me! Who would have thought such a little piece of food could hurt so much. I did actually try and make myself vomit (sorry for the visual) but the bugger was still there. It just took time. Clearly attempting the BBQ was not going to be a good idea, so I opted for the chicken wings and salad. They warned me that chicken would not be on my future menu, but luckily so far, so good. Donuts out, chicken still in.
Sunday came and I could have eaten a horse, well over several meals, without being full. I ate my breakfast and was hungry within a couple hours. Same with lunch and then with tea, totally odd. Even after work I was hungry again. Then this morning I had a coffee and it went down as if it was solid. I felt it move all the way down. It's a really strange feeling when your eating food and it reaches your band then finally passes through it and drops into your stomach. I'm guessing that my band has settled a little, the usual after an adjustment. My next adjustment is scheduled for a week away and although I'm already at 5.3, I think that I could go at least another .3ml. I will have to find out if its natural to be able to eat more at the end of the day compared with the morning, as I'm finding this a common occurrence lately.
Its been a bad day for exercise today. Way too lethargic to do much. I suppose you could say it was a lazy day. I would assume that everyone is allowed one of them once in a while but it made me feel guilty. I read in the lapband book that any moment sitting down is a wasted exercise moment. Ok I get where they are going with that but that's not really a realistic goal is it? You can't eat breakfast while walking around the block and I'm not jogging the kids to daycare. I'm not even going to talk about going to the bathroom or bathing, but I think you get my picture. I understand the objective but surely your allowed some downtime? Ssshh don't tell my doctor though!
Just a quick note to those that are following this blog, hi! You are more than welcome to pass the link onto anyone that may be interested in following it. I can't assure you that it won't be boring but if you have liked it so far then I think that it can only get better. I would also like you to feel free to comment, I would love the feedback.
So until next time....
Keep donuts to a big O
Sunday came and I could have eaten a horse, well over several meals, without being full. I ate my breakfast and was hungry within a couple hours. Same with lunch and then with tea, totally odd. Even after work I was hungry again. Then this morning I had a coffee and it went down as if it was solid. I felt it move all the way down. It's a really strange feeling when your eating food and it reaches your band then finally passes through it and drops into your stomach. I'm guessing that my band has settled a little, the usual after an adjustment. My next adjustment is scheduled for a week away and although I'm already at 5.3, I think that I could go at least another .3ml. I will have to find out if its natural to be able to eat more at the end of the day compared with the morning, as I'm finding this a common occurrence lately.
Its been a bad day for exercise today. Way too lethargic to do much. I suppose you could say it was a lazy day. I would assume that everyone is allowed one of them once in a while but it made me feel guilty. I read in the lapband book that any moment sitting down is a wasted exercise moment. Ok I get where they are going with that but that's not really a realistic goal is it? You can't eat breakfast while walking around the block and I'm not jogging the kids to daycare. I'm not even going to talk about going to the bathroom or bathing, but I think you get my picture. I understand the objective but surely your allowed some downtime? Ssshh don't tell my doctor though!
Just a quick note to those that are following this blog, hi! You are more than welcome to pass the link onto anyone that may be interested in following it. I can't assure you that it won't be boring but if you have liked it so far then I think that it can only get better. I would also like you to feel free to comment, I would love the feedback.
So until next time....
Keep donuts to a big O
Saturday, November 13, 2010
What if.....??
Aww man, I did what I never thought I would do. I think I offended someone, I didn't think that was the problem. I was sorting through my old clothes and instead of saying old clothes, my big clothes etc I said the dreaded word FAT! The worst part is that I didn't even realise that I had said it until it was bought to my attention from another friend. Tough situation to be in. How do I learn to love my new look without offending my old friends? I don't want to hurt anyone and as I said, what they do or don't do is their decision. I will support whatever decision they make. But when do I get to be happy for me? I have some major learning curves that I can't get my head around still but does it hinder it if I can't be happy that I'm getting rid of MY fat clothes? What feels fat for me is different to everyone. I still don't feel thin, I still feel very overweight. Well I still have 20 kgs to lose to get to my ideal weight, not the 'medical version' of my height vs weight and 20kgs is alot. According to the BMI calculation, I would still be overweight, but I will wear that!
Speaking of clothes, what a pain in the ass it is to not have alot of the clothes you own fit you. I was struggling going through my clothes because I kept thinking that I may need them one day. My sister kindly pointed out that I will not need them again so why would I want to keep hold of them. Well, what if? What if....the band doesn't work? (Ok so we know its working) What if.....I fall pregnant? ( I can finally buy those cute pregnancy clothes) What if....I can't find clothes that fit me? (Um, I will be able to find more clothes now that will fit me at shops than before). See, clearly I know the answers, so what am I holding onto? As I'm writing this I have come to the realisation that I am holding onto my security. I am going into the unknown. I have been overweight for so many years, my weight was my security blanket. How will I handle not having it there to hide behind? Im not good with compliments or any kind of extra attention. I tend to change the subject or say something like 'um, yeah, thanks', so graceful. Woohoo, another learning curve for me to get my head around, bonus!
So until next time...
Learn what is holding you back from success
Speaking of clothes, what a pain in the ass it is to not have alot of the clothes you own fit you. I was struggling going through my clothes because I kept thinking that I may need them one day. My sister kindly pointed out that I will not need them again so why would I want to keep hold of them. Well, what if? What if....the band doesn't work? (Ok so we know its working) What if.....I fall pregnant? ( I can finally buy those cute pregnancy clothes) What if....I can't find clothes that fit me? (Um, I will be able to find more clothes now that will fit me at shops than before). See, clearly I know the answers, so what am I holding onto? As I'm writing this I have come to the realisation that I am holding onto my security. I am going into the unknown. I have been overweight for so many years, my weight was my security blanket. How will I handle not having it there to hide behind? Im not good with compliments or any kind of extra attention. I tend to change the subject or say something like 'um, yeah, thanks', so graceful. Woohoo, another learning curve for me to get my head around, bonus!
So until next time...
Learn what is holding you back from success
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Haunting pasts, promising futures.
Today's blog revisits the whole self image issues that I'm having. I recently had a look at old photos and WOW! What was I thinking? I even managed to dumbfound my bestfriend by the image. I mean she has known me for 25 years, surely she remembers what I used to look like? So if even my bestfriend couldn't imagine me ever being that size and I knew that I was big but not that big, does that mean I lived in a fog? Is that what happens when you get larger over the years? I remember not wanting photos taken and if you look at the ones with my kids, I'm not in most of them. So many missed photos. The worst are the photos that I have from the moments I can't replace. The ones from America for school, the wedding day photos, the one of family photos....I can however change the future. The future holds great promise for nicer photos. I'm going to add a new goal for the future, more photos with my family and friends. The goals list is now as follows:
* Learn how to surf
* Drive a race car
* Do a fun run
* Learn how to ski
* Go swimming more often
* More photos with family and friends
I had my appointment yesterday for my latest fill. I am currently now sitting at 5.3ml after the doctor added .3 yesterday. The average is 5.4ml and the max he has ever seen is 7.2ml. I'm thinking that I might be just about at limit anyway, definately eating smaller portions of food so restriction is good. No vomiting which is even better. I spoke to him about the 'know it all' nurse at the hospital and guess what, surprise surprise she was wrong. The band is not going to eat through my stomach and my port is located in the correct position. Have been going better with getting some exercise in everyday which is great. I have lost 1kg in the last 2 weeks, so 500g a week, which is what they want. Lets see what I can get off me over the next 2 weeks.What I'm actually finding the hardest is the love of food versus the amount of food. I love food, I love good food, when you get a meal that tastes sooo nice that you just want to devour it but can only eat a small portion, it seems like a waste. I know that the small portions is the objective of having the lapband done in the first place but its a cruel joke to my stomach. I suppose on the upside, my bank balance will like the small portions. It makes up for the cost of the fill though, $150 a pop and I'm having one every fortnight.
Until next time....
Remember: Todays present is tomorrows past, live for the future!
* Learn how to surf
* Drive a race car
* Do a fun run
* Learn how to ski
* Go swimming more often
* More photos with family and friends
I had my appointment yesterday for my latest fill. I am currently now sitting at 5.3ml after the doctor added .3 yesterday. The average is 5.4ml and the max he has ever seen is 7.2ml. I'm thinking that I might be just about at limit anyway, definately eating smaller portions of food so restriction is good. No vomiting which is even better. I spoke to him about the 'know it all' nurse at the hospital and guess what, surprise surprise she was wrong. The band is not going to eat through my stomach and my port is located in the correct position. Have been going better with getting some exercise in everyday which is great. I have lost 1kg in the last 2 weeks, so 500g a week, which is what they want. Lets see what I can get off me over the next 2 weeks.What I'm actually finding the hardest is the love of food versus the amount of food. I love food, I love good food, when you get a meal that tastes sooo nice that you just want to devour it but can only eat a small portion, it seems like a waste. I know that the small portions is the objective of having the lapband done in the first place but its a cruel joke to my stomach. I suppose on the upside, my bank balance will like the small portions. It makes up for the cost of the fill though, $150 a pop and I'm having one every fortnight.
Until next time....
Remember: Todays present is tomorrows past, live for the future!
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